Isolation

We all know that I am not a social bee. I am not a people person. I do not like crowds. We all also know that I am one lonely fellow. I do not have lot's of friends, even thought I know lots of people. I am really the only gay male that I know. I have not found another gay male to be friends with. I have had gay male friends but they are not sustainable.

I like to think of myself as a dude who so happens to be gay. This, I am finding, is a rarity in the gay Michigan world. I do not make friends easily, never have.

...I want to continue to write these words and spill my guts out but I cannot. My fingers will not press these keys to make the characters appear on the screen.  I think I need counseling. I think I'm going to get some counseling. I hope it helps.

Finding a home at the end of the world.

I have been home just over a week and things have been varied in was to my excitement and detriment. I have been bored beyond belief, basically living day to day between events. I have been enlightened to things within myself that I was only slightly aware of, several open and honest conversations have led to a calmer sense of self and for now I feel more calmer and more serene than I have in years. Now I am experiencing a severe case of anticipation, the new semester is so close I can smell the boredom and stale classrooms to come and yet nine days until its commencement I feel as if an eternity has slipped itself between the then and the now. Even the next set of events though only two days away seem closer to a fortnight in distance instead of forty-eight hours. That is how it seems and not the actuality of the situation but I can't help but feel it. Tonight at this 5:30 am intersection I feel more alone than I ever have before, but it's ok. Things are ok. I'm ok. Everything will be ok.

In the meantime...

So since everything happened I have been occupying my time with things and stuff. Mainly reorganizing my music collection but also redecorating my apt. My bathroom has been done for a while and it looks pretty similar to what it was before but now it has new rugs and accessories. But my bed room was just fugs. So now it's major smexi! Take a look.

House, not a Home

Justin moved out a week ago. To be honest I've been a bit of a wreck about the whole thing. I spent the first two days sad. The next two where spent plastered. The next two hungry. For the past two days I have been enlightened if not slightly enraged. Right now I'm at my mom's house for a spell until I can safely return home without want to rip my hair out. The trip hasn't panned out like I thought it would though and right now I'm starring at the train schedule deciding if I should make a
break for it. This is all fucked up right now. I just can't wait for this to be over. I mean, has this wave of unfortunate events not yet reached it's crescendo ("ending on the right foot, and strike a fosse")? Major point if you know where that reference is from. We soon shall see. Oh one last thing... do you think this spandex makes me look fat?

Things Change... I Hate Change.

So after last night's post I spent the next few hours crying and blubbering like a baby. It's not the greatest moment of my life I must say. But after a gallon of metaphorical ice cream and a few hour of Soul Cal 4 I was feeling better, secure with a new realization and understanding.

As of late Lids and Justin have been getting closer than their normal tiddly winks. It seems like they are on that weird verge of dating and not. As such they are spending exceeding amounts together, spending the night together and such. I noticed a while ago where things where going but chose to stay out of it as clearly it's none of my business. But I am now realizing that this whole episode has kinda been exasperated by it.

When I normally have a mental meltdown, which I am prone to, I have a friend or friends to turn to. This time the meltdown was with one of the two friends, and said friend is getting cozy with other friend leaving me to melt down alone. Festering, or rather basting in one owns juices generally lends itself to tender, flaky, fall off the meat. In humans it leads to similar things just mentally, for me anyways. Let's say I would be Sirloin severed with Au Ju and a nutty cream sauce.

This is a weird place I'm in. On one hand I happy to see them FINALLY getting together. On the other hand however I know that if they do become a thing, I will get left behind. I talked to Justin a little bit about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from. So for now, I'm still alone. At least I'm finally convinced that Justin is not trying to hurt me or be purposefully hurtful, so that's helpful. I just don't know if I am still too hopeful.

It Shouldn't Be This Hard.

Justin is a interesting case study. He is so devastatingly underexposed to social situations and therefore lacks much of the social conditioning many of us get from simple things like Barney and Sesame Street. I have never actually met anyone before who was completely confused by the idea of needing to say please and thank you. Truthfully though, putting all missed customs aside, he is a guy who has missed out on so much that he really needed to experience; and guess who is left picking up the pieces...

Right now Justin and I are on the outs, having spent the majority of the past few days entangled within one long fight. The base of the fight comes down to a few simple things:

I am feeling under appreciated for all the I do.
I am tired of talking to him about his same unwillingness to help around the house.
He does not display the basic ability to be a good friend.

These things are a little major, I think. I do a lot for Justin, just like I do for all of my friends. I do these things without the expectation of reciprocation, but I do look for some sort of gratitude; which he does not show me. I often let it slide though, mainly because I assume that as long as he is not being greedy or selfish that he is grateful for my helping him. I ask him to do simple things around the house like clean the bathroom or was the dishes. It is not like I ask for that much, but he can not seem to...

I just want to cry. I don't think that rehashing this situation again is helping me at all. I am on the verge of tears for the fourth time in five days, things shouldn't be this hard.

I am just scared because I know that if things continue like this I will leave this situation and our friendship behind. I just don't know right now how things will turn out. The uncertainty is really scaring me more than anything. For once I am clueless helpless and at once alone without the safety nets that I know I need to help catch me when I fall.

Summer

So right now I am off of school for the summer... clearly as I am finally updating my thought forgotten blog, lol. Well, summer is the time for lazing about and as I am not prone to enjoy extended terms of doing so, as usual I am falling into a funk. And I don't mean Parlament Funkadelic type of funk... but rather the type that makes me get all depressed. SO what I need to do is find a way to re-purpose myself.
As it stands I have no job, classes or plans. I have been trying to catch up on some books but so far the books I've chosen have been less page turner and more turn over and go to sleep. I'm gonna take a trip to my local library and talk to a librarian about some interesting books for me to read. But what I really want to do is photograph stuff but I am not sure what. I mean nature is all around as I live in Ypsi/A2 but I don't know where... Clearly I need to do some investigations into where I can find a lake, or stroll through the woods somewhere. Now that I write that i realize one fatal flaw in that plan. I HATE THE OUT DOORS!!! Shit! Now what am I to do with my creative energies?
Maybe I should start doing my people portraiture again. That's not actually a bad idea. I think That just having somethings to edit and organize would be good for me plus I am sure I am a bit rusty in terms of my lighting and picture taking techniques. Writing this I am sitting outside my new apartment that I share with one of my new best friends, and I am looking around at how pretty everything is. I am sure that a combination of the the warm mellow ambient lighting and the simple fact that I've now got my wheels turning means that something good should be spilling out of my head very soon.
I feel much better now after talking to you. Thanks for you willing ear.

I told the truth today...

Misty: hey
Jerome: hey
Misty: Why didn't you hang with Elayna today?
Jerome: I have work to do
Misty: You were isolated
oh.
ha ha
I asked her to talk to Ieuan for me...
Jerome: im still working just taking a break
oh ok
Misty: and she was telling him that I like him soooooooo much.
Jerome: to tell him what?
Misty: WTF
No just to see if he liked me
Jerome: oh, y didnt u ask?
Misty: cuz I didn't have the balls to get my feelings hurt
Jerome: lol, so howd it turn out
Misty: bad.
3:10amJerome: too bad
3:10amMisty: He doesn't like me
3:10amJerome: whatd he say
3:10amMisty: she says
3:10amJerome: oh ok
well, sorry
3:10amMisty: that it was a mistakes
yeah yeah
I should go lez
3:11amJerome: lol, i doubt u could
3:11amMisty: maybe not. But the only people to think I'm attractive are gay men and females
3:11amJerome:eh, what can u do?
Im single now too
so no worries
3:12amMisty: yeah but you okay with it
3:12amJerome: ...not really
I am not used to not having people hit on me
it's a new phenomenom
3:13amMisty

gr
3:13amJerome

gr?
3:14amMisty

I'm kinna pissed but I expected this
3:15amJerome

well you seem to have good instincts so why dont u follow them?
3:16amMisty

cuz I'm not a cold person...yet
3:16amJerome

well thats good
3:17amMisty

Some just give up because they fail

I guess I'm not like that
3:17amJerome

thats good
3:17amMisty

which can be a strength or weakness
3:17amJerome

youre too young for my kind of cynascism
3:17amMisty

But I wanna be cold like you!!
3:17amJerome

it's not all it's cracked up to be

like when you say youre fst, but then elayna would kill to look like you

be grateul for what you have

my world is kinda lonely sometimes

fat*
3:19amMisty

But you don't seem to care!

That's the beauty
3:19amJerome

I do care...
3:20amMisty

er...
3:20amJerome

trust me when I say this

Stay hopeul as long as you can, I gave up my emotions years ago and I am better in many ways, but I would die to understand the emotions that I used to have again
3:22amMisty

What? Pain and having your feelings hurt all the time?

No way
3:22amJerome

yes
3:22amMisty

Emotions are a waste
3:22amJerome

emotions let you know youre alive
3:23amMisty

sooo?
3:24amJerome

whats the point in living if you cant feel alive
3:24amMisty

You won't have to cry or feel that yucky feeling in your chest...

or that pain when you;re trying to hild back tears
3:24amJerome

I cry everyday

I stare at the ceiling and cry for no reason

I blast my music so loud, so I dont have to hear myself thing

So I dont have to wake up and realize that my life is just a broadway show with great musical numbers that no one understands
3:26amMisty

not true
3:26amJerome

trust me, I have never been more honest in my life

It hurts to be so honest

I mean physically, my head is pounding
3:27amMisty

I'm sorry..
3:27amJerome

THis happens whenever I try to understand or deal with what I cant understand

Dont feel sorry for me, but dont envy me either
3:28amMisty

I didn't mean to bring up something so deep
3:29amJerome

not youre fault I can always stop, or not start

Who Knew (A Poem)

I think it's strange that I can still relive everything about you
That at a moments notice I can be whisped away to memories of days when you still held me
When I could have never believed that in a few years you would go away

Who knew that you would disappear
Who knew I would watch as you slowly drove away for the last time

Sometimes when I am alone, I still mourn
For us, for me, for you
For what we could have been
For who I could have been with you
For what you have become without me

It is during those times that what separates us seems trivial
But I always get lost in pursuit
Of the one that got away
The only one I will ever want to have stayed

Guilty till proven Guilty

Today I told a friend the truth, and she cried. I felt bad and lied, and she smiled. Now I wonder if I should have left her to cry... Because the smile makes me feel worse. Knowing that in a matter of hour the cards will come tumbling, was worse than knowing she didn't know it was coming.

WAR!!!

My neighbor did this...



So I did this?



I refuse to let his voice be the only one heard! Remember if John McCain becomes president Sara Palin will be just one 72 year old's heart beat away from the most powerful position in the world!

VOTE NOVEMBER 4th
VOTE OBAMA/BIDEN!

WAB Photoset

Chasing Pavements

...I basically ran after a car yesterday hoping that they would stop and ask me to hang out... Let me explain. I was hanging out last night with some people that I met at my schools arcade. When they left I was had no reason to stay so I just check out and left. While I was walking back to my apt I saw said people walking to the car going to their apartment to veg for a bit. So for some reason I walked a little faster getting ahead of them, they hadn't pulled out yet, so they would notice me and possibly suggest I come with them. They didn't. I felt kinda odd about it, like am I that desperate for friends? Or am I just positioning myself like how commercials and press coverage position products for purchase. Not to suggest that I whoring myself out, that is for another post. It is just interesting to see the things that I do make people notice me, everything except actually introducing myself...

Birthday Report.

Detroit was a snowy place last Saturday, though it was the warmest night I'd seen. It was lonely I will admit but eventually I came to and was surrounded with costumed villains willing to serve my every passing false hedonistic need. For some reason there are invisible hands fondling me, and through this haze I can barely see. I can see enough to know that I better not touch the floor for fear I many never recover. I came here with somebody, I think.... What is this abhorrent taste trickling slowly lingering down my throat. Where is my shoe. This massive throbbing box is emmitting music that is sonically forcibly raping my ears, and I adore it. Black. Again with the fondling though the hands seem clearer. This is ending soon, I can tell as the music has slowed to a syrupy sultry crawl back to it's source. The well hath run dry and the gate keeps scream billow beckon and yell that the world is coming to an end, nobody seems to listen. The unlikely snow is falling once more as I head wildly north. The storm missed me somehow. As I find warmth is the soft known comforts the life has afforded, I understand and appreciate what is about to happen...

Ok last one... for now

More Home Movies

Ok so there is something you may not know about me and my friends... We love silly string. Mainly because it can be used at any random moment by any of us and it would be a instant fun moment. And you know how much we love haberdashery, shenanigans and general tomfoolery.

Home Videos

This is a video from A few months back. Aaron, Scooby and I stopped at IHOP because of Scoob's famously small bladder and low and behold who do we see but Brenda! Ah such randomness enjoy.

Jay's Journal September 6, 2008.

Everybody has something that they fell insecure about. Everyone. Most people would not ever admit that they even sometimes feel ashamed of something about themselves... I am not most people. For me it's my weight. 99% of the time I don't even recognize my weight because it's such a non-issue. Like me being black, gay, or having a crippling phobia of spiders. However there time like last week when I had sat on the floor in the hallway of my next class, and when it was time to get up I knew in my head that my knees where no feeling well that day. I knew that it meant that I would have slightly more difficult time getting up than normal. I had a knee injury in the 9th grade that has just fucked my knees for life. Me being morbidly obese of course didn't help in the healing process. Everybody I know, knows about my injury so when I am around them and I need to have a seat it's again a non-issue, but when I am alone and in the company of people who only see my big fat ass struggling to get up I do feel really insecure. I get embarrassed. During this particular indecent I even sat there looking like a blob and waited to the hallway was clear so that I could get up and wince and struggle in private. I know that I must've looked like a idiot sitting there curled withing myself waiting for my great escape. But I have pride and in a place where I don't really know anyone it is just not in me to let myself be vulnerable. I know that not everyone out to get me but... I don't know. By the way I do not mean to be sounding down on myself as International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day is April 15th so we'll wait until then...