Monday, December 28, 2009

Finding a home at the end of the world.

I have been home just over a week and things have been varied in was to my excitement and detriment. I have been bored beyond belief, basically living day to day between events. I have been enlightened to things within myself that I was only slightly aware of, several open and honest conversations have led to a calmer sense of self and for now I feel more calmer and more serene than I have in years. Now I am experiencing a severe case of anticipation, the new semester is so close I can smell the boredom and stale classrooms to come and yet nine days until its commencement I feel as if an eternity has slipped itself between the then and the now. Even the next set of events though only two days away seem closer to a fortnight in distance instead of forty-eight hours. That is how it seems and not the actuality of the situation but I can't help but feel it. Tonight at this 5:30 am intersection I feel more alone than I ever have before, but it's ok. Things are ok. I'm ok. Everything will be ok.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Intimacy

To be honest intimacy is not something I think about in my working relationships. All of my romantic entanglements have ended before I got to that point of openness. My friendships have been more successful, but even then there is always a fence between me and anyone else. It is difficult for me to imagine a relationship, rather a human relationship with true intimacy. I know me sharing all my secrets with my favorite feline or age inappropriate Harry Potter journal does not necessarily count as neither can reciprocate. Having to identify any relationship as one where I engaged in the on going process where I and another caring person shared as freely as possible is near impossible. I can only think of two instances where I was close to real intimacy and only one where both parties participated.
My friendship with Ari started back in high school; We acted in our school's first drama club production together. Working on a drama production brings people close naturally but working on one in our newly renovated and still frighteningly coffin like theater made everyone stick together. Our friendship sprouted innocuously and unbeknown to either party, however soon we had become "BFFs" as we often recall jokingly.
As teenagers do, we shared things with each other. In the beginning they where small gossips, snarky thoughts and other trivialities. As time past our relationship strengthened and I began trust that my secrets where safe with her, so much so that when something of importance happened I knew that I could entrust her with my deeper and truer emotions.
Like most teenagers I had the "worst mom ever" who "never let me do anything" and "still treats me like a little kid". Like most teenagers these typical statements and behavior where indicative of other, more emotional, needs that where not being met. One day after a particularly vicious fight with my mother I went to visit Ari just get my mind off my current situation. Instead I spent the next few hours emotionally vomiting years of pent up emotions. For hours she sat listening intently and held my hand as I wept and used all the tissues in her house to wipe my seemingly endless stream of mucous from my nose. Kept thinking the entire time that I must seem crazy and that should stop embarrassing myself, but there was something that told me to continue.
At the end of "snotapaloooza" I still felt like this would make her not want be my friend and that she was going to laugh at me. All she said was "Do you feel better?"; I did feel better and I felt safe and secure and able to tell her anything without fear of judgment, exclusion or isolation. At the time I knew and I still recognize this as the moment in which we became true friends.
As of now, we have been friends for six years. Over those years I have cried on her shoulder several more times and she has used my shoulders to help her bare her own emotional burdens.
We have shared more than just the bad times. We have sat many late nights on the phone or on the couch over ice cream sharing stories, thought, hope, fears, dreams, aspiration, affirmations, advice, recipes and anything else that popped into our heads. I do cherish her friendship, rather companionship and recognize that our level of intimacy has allowed us to stay so close with each other.
Now that I have spilled all that in your lap you probably think you know me. However you would shocked to know that it was easier than you think. I don't know if I could count this relationship as a intimate one. As I said my journal entries don't count and though a sophisticated personal computer is a more age appropriate that my Harry Potter diary the effect is still the same.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Really Quick Update

School started last week... Things are going good thus far. Got a car love it, ZuneHD love it, new TV loves it!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Oxford Murders (2008)


I definitely recommend this movie. It is so good. Not about give a review but I do recommend it. It is suprisingly good for a independent film. Well let's not use the qualifier "for a independent film", it is a good movie.

Monday, July 27, 2009

In the meantime...

So since everything happened I have been occupying my time with things and stuff. Mainly reorganizing my music collection but also redecorating my apt. My bathroom has been done for a while and it looks pretty similar to what it was before but now it has new rugs and accessories. But my bed room was just fugs. So now it's major smexi! Take a look.






Sunday, July 12, 2009

House, not a Home

Justin moved out a week ago. To be honest I've been a bit of a wreck about the whole thing. I spent the first two days sad. The next two where spent plastered. The next two hungry. For the past two days I have been enlightened if not slightly enraged. Right now I'm at my mom's house for a spell until I can safely return home without want to rip my hair out. The trip hasn't panned out like I thought it would though and right now I'm starring at the train schedule deciding if I should make a
break for it. This is all fucked up right now. I just can't wait for this to be over. I mean, has this wave of unfortunate events not yet reached it's crescendo ("ending on the right foot, and strike a fosse")? Major point if you know where that reference is from. We soon shall see. Oh one last thing... do you think this spandex makes me look fat?
This is a test of this fucking system.
JS Nichols

Monday, June 22, 2009

Things Change... I Hate Change.

So after last night's post I spent the next few hours crying and blubbering like a baby. It's not the greatest moment of my life I must say. But after a gallon of metaphorical ice cream and a few hour of Soul Cal 4 I was feeling better, secure with a new realization and understanding.

As of late Lids and Justin have been getting closer than their normal tiddly winks. It seems like they are on that weird verge of dating and not. As such they are spending exceeding amounts together, spending the night together and such. I noticed a while ago where things where going but chose to stay out of it as clearly it's none of my business. But I am now realizing that this whole episode has kinda been exasperated by it.

When I normally have a mental meltdown, which I am prone to, I have a friend or friends to turn to. This time the meltdown was with one of the two friends, and said friend is getting cozy with other friend leaving me to melt down alone. Festering, or rather basting in one owns juices generally lends itself to tender, flaky, fall off the meat. In humans it leads to similar things just mentally, for me anyways. Let's say I would be Sirloin severed with Au Ju and a nutty cream sauce.

This is a weird place I'm in. On one hand I happy to see them FINALLY getting together. On the other hand however I know that if they do become a thing, I will get left behind. I talked to Justin a little bit about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from. So for now, I'm still alone. At least I'm finally convinced that Justin is not trying to hurt me or be purposefully hurtful, so that's helpful. I just don't know if I am still too hopeful.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

It Shouldn't Be This Hard.

Justin is a interesting case study. He is so devastatingly underexposed to social situations and therefore lacks much of the social conditioning many of us get from simple things like Barney and Sesame Street. I have never actually met anyone before who was completely confused by the idea of needing to say please and thank you. Truthfully though, putting all missed customs aside, he is a guy who has missed out on so much that he really needed to experience; and guess who is left picking up the pieces...

Right now Justin and I are on the outs, having spent the majority of the past few days entangled within one long fight. The base of the fight comes down to a few simple things:

I am feeling under appreciated for all the I do.
I am tired of talking to him about his same unwillingness to help around the house.
He does not display the basic ability to be a good friend.

These things are a little major, I think. I do a lot for Justin, just like I do for all of my friends. I do these things without the expectation of reciprocation, but I do look for some sort of gratitude; which he does not show me. I often let it slide though, mainly because I assume that as long as he is not being greedy or selfish that he is grateful for my helping him. I ask him to do simple things around the house like clean the bathroom or was the dishes. It is not like I ask for that much, but he can not seem to...

I just want to cry. I don't think that rehashing this situation again is helping me at all. I am on the verge of tears for the fourth time in five days, things shouldn't be this hard.

I am just scared because I know that if things continue like this I will leave this situation and our friendship behind. I just don't know right now how things will turn out. The uncertainty is really scaring me more than anything. For once I am clueless helpless and at once alone without the safety nets that I know I need to help catch me when I fall.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

An Ode to the Newly Homeless

Fires of quick quips choirs of heavenly horrors clenching clouded cowering minds drowned in drips of syrup soaked sensibilities waned warbled wash fired bold emblazoned Maltese men molting Siamese sinister kittens shedding skins day old bread withheld assistance the pride has shattered crowns held by new jesters in jest juxtapositioning failed bits of cooperative Mrs. conceptions contraceptives hastened communal Mr. communications irritating the empty stomachs of well fed entitlement unchecked dishes sour soaked dimes lift unremitting required reciprocal dots and dashes left unpaid wilting weathered torrential turbulence uninvited viral wants quoth unwelcome.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Paintings pt2





Paintings!



At the end of winter term I started painting and I just realized that I had not posted them, yikes! Well here they are enjoy.








Summer

So right now I am off of school for the summer... clearly as I am finally updating my thought forgotten blog, lol. Well, summer is the time for lazing about and as I am not prone to enjoy extended terms of doing so, as usual I am falling into a funk. And I don't mean Parlament Funkadelic type of funk... but rather the type that makes me get all depressed. SO what I need to do is find a way to re-purpose myself.
As it stands I have no job, classes or plans. I have been trying to catch up on some books but so far the books I've chosen have been less page turner and more turn over and go to sleep. I'm gonna take a trip to my local library and talk to a librarian about some interesting books for me to read. But what I really want to do is photograph stuff but I am not sure what. I mean nature is all around as I live in Ypsi/A2 but I don't know where... Clearly I need to do some investigations into where I can find a lake, or stroll through the woods somewhere. Now that I write that i realize one fatal flaw in that plan. I HATE THE OUT DOORS!!! Shit! Now what am I to do with my creative energies?
Maybe I should start doing my people portraiture again. That's not actually a bad idea. I think That just having somethings to edit and organize would be good for me plus I am sure I am a bit rusty in terms of my lighting and picture taking techniques. Writing this I am sitting outside my new apartment that I share with one of my new best friends, and I am looking around at how pretty everything is. I am sure that a combination of the the warm mellow ambient lighting and the simple fact that I've now got my wheels turning means that something good should be spilling out of my head very soon.
I feel much better now after talking to you. Thanks for you willing ear.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Sunday, March 1, 2009

200 Words of Opposition

You where my eyes fixed point center of gravity orbiting and swirling down the vacuous drain to places he would drag you away from me slowly running away walking backwards tripping forwards and steady farther away closer but never closer closure nuance and ineptitude narrowly negotiation newly sour section of dowry and damnations defending the circular serendipitous nature sensibly guided forward steadily backward rag dolls toads and frogs rabbits and hares heads or tail without chance change challenge or chapters fade mixed marital law logs loved layered and lowered one here two now three here four gone here sad gone long mourning this morning eve of evening dining with dingy dives cannons and capitols of coercion ending all stock and dystopian utopian pairs of solidarity and despair dispelling procreations problem creations motivations mulling nations moving more over the delicate suspensions suspend supposedly in memoriam never minding the offending natural movements of the shadowy figures moving forward the peaces disturbing the pieces in places their arms dare only reach randomly to destroy decimate and decapitate the fluid stagnancy unaltered aborted as times where before the hiccup stickup power play nay say now and never ever forever and always today’s forgotten lore.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Never Coming Home

Driving away she tries to
To figure out how
A passion so sweet
Could go so sour

They yelled they screamed
Fighting each other
As if more pain would solve their puzzle

With one hit she was gone
On the ground
She hit the road
Alone
In the cold dead of night
She sat there and died in the heat of their fight

The clock upon the table kept stealing every minute
She knew her time was trickling
Like the water in a shower

As she turned to walk
Unlock the door
And find her way
To something more
She kissed the man goodbye
And quickly pulled away
And turned a corner

Driving further on some more
She realized where she lost her soul
Thought about that messy space
Thought about how she lost this race
She new she wasn’t thinking straight
She new when he’d be waking late
He’d know that he lost this one summer

In his eyes she’s only a few inches away
But in her heart of hearts she knew she couldn’t stay
To many of his lies unraveled there today
So she told him to his face
All she had to say
‘Cause she knew she’d never be coming home

Sunday, January 4, 2009

M.O.H.A.W.K.

Mirrors Of independence Have finally occurred And i couldn’t be more happy about What i’ve done. i feel like a Knight of the Many, On a search for self. what that means? i don’t know, but i Have A feeling that it Will turn out to be something amazing… i Know it will.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Goldegate Bridge

I’m up so high
What’s keeping me from falling?
Sanity, no
Nothing, probably

All the world looks at me like a play set
Hot wheels, no
Matchbox, probably

I could end it
Couldn’t I?
Yes definitely