Jay's Journal September 6, 2008.

Everybody has something that they fell insecure about. Everyone. Most people would not ever admit that they even sometimes feel ashamed of something about themselves... I am not most people. For me it's my weight. 99% of the time I don't even recognize my weight because it's such a non-issue. Like me being black, gay, or having a crippling phobia of spiders. However there time like last week when I had sat on the floor in the hallway of my next class, and when it was time to get up I knew in my head that my knees where no feeling well that day. I knew that it meant that I would have slightly more difficult time getting up than normal. I had a knee injury in the 9th grade that has just fucked my knees for life. Me being morbidly obese of course didn't help in the healing process. Everybody I know, knows about my injury so when I am around them and I need to have a seat it's again a non-issue, but when I am alone and in the company of people who only see my big fat ass struggling to get up I do feel really insecure. I get embarrassed. During this particular indecent I even sat there looking like a blob and waited to the hallway was clear so that I could get up and wince and struggle in private. I know that I must've looked like a idiot sitting there curled withing myself waiting for my great escape. But I have pride and in a place where I don't really know anyone it is just not in me to let myself be vulnerable. I know that not everyone out to get me but... I don't know. By the way I do not mean to be sounding down on myself as International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day is April 15th so we'll wait until then...