Monday, June 22, 2009

Things Change... I Hate Change.

So after last night's post I spent the next few hours crying and blubbering like a baby. It's not the greatest moment of my life I must say. But after a gallon of metaphorical ice cream and a few hour of Soul Cal 4 I was feeling better, secure with a new realization and understanding.

As of late Lids and Justin have been getting closer than their normal tiddly winks. It seems like they are on that weird verge of dating and not. As such they are spending exceeding amounts together, spending the night together and such. I noticed a while ago where things where going but chose to stay out of it as clearly it's none of my business. But I am now realizing that this whole episode has kinda been exasperated by it.

When I normally have a mental meltdown, which I am prone to, I have a friend or friends to turn to. This time the meltdown was with one of the two friends, and said friend is getting cozy with other friend leaving me to melt down alone. Festering, or rather basting in one owns juices generally lends itself to tender, flaky, fall off the meat. In humans it leads to similar things just mentally, for me anyways. Let's say I would be Sirloin severed with Au Ju and a nutty cream sauce.

This is a weird place I'm in. On one hand I happy to see them FINALLY getting together. On the other hand however I know that if they do become a thing, I will get left behind. I talked to Justin a little bit about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from. So for now, I'm still alone. At least I'm finally convinced that Justin is not trying to hurt me or be purposefully hurtful, so that's helpful. I just don't know if I am still too hopeful.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

It Shouldn't Be This Hard.

Justin is a interesting case study. He is so devastatingly underexposed to social situations and therefore lacks much of the social conditioning many of us get from simple things like Barney and Sesame Street. I have never actually met anyone before who was completely confused by the idea of needing to say please and thank you. Truthfully though, putting all missed customs aside, he is a guy who has missed out on so much that he really needed to experience; and guess who is left picking up the pieces...

Right now Justin and I are on the outs, having spent the majority of the past few days entangled within one long fight. The base of the fight comes down to a few simple things:

I am feeling under appreciated for all the I do.
I am tired of talking to him about his same unwillingness to help around the house.
He does not display the basic ability to be a good friend.

These things are a little major, I think. I do a lot for Justin, just like I do for all of my friends. I do these things without the expectation of reciprocation, but I do look for some sort of gratitude; which he does not show me. I often let it slide though, mainly because I assume that as long as he is not being greedy or selfish that he is grateful for my helping him. I ask him to do simple things around the house like clean the bathroom or was the dishes. It is not like I ask for that much, but he can not seem to...

I just want to cry. I don't think that rehashing this situation again is helping me at all. I am on the verge of tears for the fourth time in five days, things shouldn't be this hard.

I am just scared because I know that if things continue like this I will leave this situation and our friendship behind. I just don't know right now how things will turn out. The uncertainty is really scaring me more than anything. For once I am clueless helpless and at once alone without the safety nets that I know I need to help catch me when I fall.