Who Knew (A Poem)

I think it's strange that I can still relive everything about you
That at a moments notice I can be whisped away to memories of days when you still held me
When I could have never believed that in a few years you would go away

Who knew that you would disappear
Who knew I would watch as you slowly drove away for the last time

Sometimes when I am alone, I still mourn
For us, for me, for you
For what we could have been
For who I could have been with you
For what you have become without me

It is during those times that what separates us seems trivial
But I always get lost in pursuit
Of the one that got away
The only one I will ever want to have stayed

Guilty till proven Guilty

Today I told a friend the truth, and she cried. I felt bad and lied, and she smiled. Now I wonder if I should have left her to cry... Because the smile makes me feel worse. Knowing that in a matter of hour the cards will come tumbling, was worse than knowing she didn't know it was coming.

Music Discovery

As of late I have been in music discovery mode, I think I have added about 500+ new songs to my Library. I like this new mode I am finding myself in. In truth it is in part thanks to one of my new friends(?), William, he is strictly into old school rock, blues and jazz. It is weird that one of my most open minded periods comes via such a narrow person. So I will start off my recap of new music with a classic group... QUEEN. I got my hands on their whole discography and found out that I knew a few songs from them, mostly through adverts, and I actually like them. I have gotten a list together of my favorite songs by them, check it out.

(In No Particular Order)
I Want To Break Free
Another One Bites The Dust
Fat Bottom Girls
You're My Best Friend
Don't Stop Me Now
We Are The Champions
I Want It All
Who Wants To Live Forever
Headlong

And then there are the two that I have fallen in love with, and will now and as far as I can see have on my absolute favorites list.

We Will Rock You - This simple beat feeds my soul!
Under Pressure - Genius, definitely a top 20 of all timer.

Chasing Pavements

...I basically ran after a car yesterday hoping that they would stop and ask me to hang out... Let me explain. I was hanging out last night with some people that I met at my schools arcade. When they left I was had no reason to stay so I just check out and left. While I was walking back to my apt I saw said people walking to the car going to their apartment to veg for a bit. So for some reason I walked a little faster getting ahead of them, they hadn't pulled out yet, so they would notice me and possibly suggest I come with them. They didn't. I felt kinda odd about it, like am I that desperate for friends? Or am I just positioning myself like how commercials and press coverage position products for purchase. Not to suggest that I whoring myself out, that is for another post. It is just interesting to see the things that I do make people notice me, everything except actually introducing myself...

Blind Secret

I let someone get left on the side of the road alone at 12am on a Sunday night with no money and noway to get home... To write an apology would be disingenuous. As she should not have brought her ass out without any if those things, but it was just more vicious than I'm used to. I hate when things like that happen to people because I know that it could easily happen to me at any moment. I am always on the rim of the IN crowd teetering until a conflict forces me out or I find a way to weasel myself in.

Birthday Report.

Detroit was a snowy place last Saturday, though it was the warmest night I'd seen. It was lonely I will admit but eventually I came to and was surrounded with costumed villains willing to serve my every passing false hedonistic need. For some reason there are invisible hands fondling me, and through this haze I can barely see. I can see enough to know that I better not touch the floor for fear I many never recover. I came here with somebody, I think.... What is this abhorrent taste trickling slowly lingering down my throat. Where is my shoe. This massive throbbing box is emmitting music that is sonically forcibly raping my ears, and I adore it. Black. Again with the fondling though the hands seem clearer. This is ending soon, I can tell as the music has slowed to a syrupy sultry crawl back to it's source. The well hath run dry and the gate keeps scream billow beckon and yell that the world is coming to an end, nobody seems to listen. The unlikely snow is falling once more as I head wildly north. The storm missed me somehow. As I find warmth is the soft known comforts the life has afforded, I understand and appreciate what is about to happen...

advanced Loading... "Ooh Girl!" - An Honest R&B Song

Downtown Ypsilanti

Here are some pics from my latest set.

Night Life (photograpy)

Crash

My hands are frozen
Trying to string together two words, has never been as frigid as this
Something is amiss
My body feels like it been spoiled in piss
Like I’m a willing partner in an S&M flick

This is bullshit that I have to feel this way
This is bullshit that she always does this to me
I thought the flame was smothered
The embers lay emboldened
Emblazoned and brazen waiting for a spark

What it got was a match
Though a time bomb it was not
Every word still hurt
Every work unspoken leaves our relation tattered and broken
And frayed and dismayed in ways repairs could take days

Weeks, months, years this continues
I think I’m going to need the wine menu
‘Cause this ain’t it
It’s not getting it
It’s not working

I’m hungry for a revolution
A resolution a grievances
‘Cause my resolve is waning
And my endurance is tanking

And I got to deal
With this raw deal I’ve been dealt
I can’t keep waiting for the for the googolplex clock to stop
I can’t keep wait for the second ball to drop

Ok last one... for now

A Guy

Is it wrong for me to love his eyes

To wish I was the dust that swirls through the air at the bat of his lashes

To want to be that bead of sweat the the sun spotlights as it unsteadily crawls down the back of his neck

I don't thin that anyone but me could look at him and see the poetry the way I do

I wonder what is hiding beneath that hat that always seems to be glued to  his dark brown raven's nest of hair

I sit as far from him as possible but as close as I can and in my mind I smell his skin and can see the every willow wisp of hair that breaks his perfectly tanned skin.

Did I mention that he smells like orange blossoms but taste sweet and bitter like a honey suckle spray

I wish I was those stings of denim holding close the his old scarred knee...

I wonder, and wonder and wish as he walks, he walks away from me

Jay's Journal September 6, 2008.

Everybody has something that they fell insecure about. Everyone. Most people would not ever admit that they even sometimes feel ashamed of something about themselves... I am not most people. For me it's my weight. 99% of the time I don't even recognize my weight because it's such a non-issue. Like me being black, gay, or having a crippling phobia of spiders. However there time like last week when I had sat on the floor in the hallway of my next class, and when it was time to get up I knew in my head that my knees where no feeling well that day. I knew that it meant that I would have slightly more difficult time getting up than normal. I had a knee injury in the 9th grade that has just fucked my knees for life. Me being morbidly obese of course didn't help in the healing process. Everybody I know, knows about my injury so when I am around them and I need to have a seat it's again a non-issue, but when I am alone and in the company of people who only see my big fat ass struggling to get up I do feel really insecure. I get embarrassed. During this particular indecent I even sat there looking like a blob and waited to the hallway was clear so that I could get up and wince and struggle in private. I know that I must've looked like a idiot sitting there curled withing myself waiting for my great escape. But I have pride and in a place where I don't really know anyone it is just not in me to let myself be vulnerable. I know that not everyone out to get me but... I don't know. By the way I do not mean to be sounding down on myself as International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day is April 15th so we'll wait until then...

Untitled Razzy Rant

I hate the JONAS BROTHERS. Ok I get it every generation needs their vaguely talented music acts that they then can idolize and wax poetic about into their last days while complaining that today's music is just not as good as when you where a kid. but serious why them, they sound like they are going through puberty on stage. Then they come with that whole virginal routine which is so tired. I will say that before they became uber popular their sound was funkier and I liked it. It had more soul as they are partly Latino. This new shit is pop garbage. I think I just don't like the Disney kids. Selena Gomez, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana, Corbin Bleu, Cheetah Girls they are all products and will have a expiration date, unless they eventually become good artist in their own right. There are exceptions to this like Hilary Duff, Ashley Tisdale has one song I like, even the brothers Jonas have that song Year 3003 that is on my iPod right not so. I just wish that adults did not care so much about these 12yr old celebrities.

Another night.

So it is the middle of the night again and I am up so very up. It is 5am and I am so bored. I have resorted to watching home movies. Which is actually not so bad but it holds a peculiar feeling to wax reminiscent of this that has only passed like 8 months ago as I have only had my camera for about that long. I'm remembering things that I had so forgotten. I guess it's good to see things in full color video, well in my case most things are in black and white that I shoot. One day when I'm like 40 and me and my remaining friends will sit down and watch these videos and laugh. We could probably do that now. This one I'm watching now if from when I moved back home from school for the summer in April. It is this loooooong video recording a conversation I had with a bunch of my friends in the moving van I rented. It's like 30 min of random pointless conversation, but looking back at it it seems to be of more importance. Do you feel like that sometimes, looking back? That things are much more significance once time has passed. I wonder why it becomes easier be fond over things that aren't here anymore. Why does time erode our normal jaded sensibilities and makes all dough eyed over waves of light that represent the thing that me actually miss. I'm not sure which cliche goes best with this sensational phenomenon; "hindsight is 50/50", "time always makes the heart grow fonder", "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" (Thank you Joni Mitchel and later Janet Jackson and even later The Counting Crows featuring Vanessa Carlton). Either way they always seem to fit somewhere. Guess all those adages seem to make sense in, ehm... hindsight.

Randy

I don’t know why I even bother
I know that for me 11 years of servicing him is more
I call
And I know that even if he calls me back
I’ll be some foreign after thought
Some 3am wind down after the club
Or some midnight pre club ramp up
He always smells of cheap liquor and cigarette smoke either way so I never know
I’m not an idiot
And I know that I like it
But I feel guilty when he’s gone
And the only gift he left was his semen dancing in my stomach
Or the random pubic hair that got caught in between my teeth
Or the cooler smother section of my face where his ejaculated used to be
I know it’s sad but those thing fulfill me
So I call him
Knowing that to him, I am just another hole
That I’m just another mouth feed
That I’m just another one of the ones on the list
The never ending list of the bodies left cold in the trail
I wonder if he ever gets annoyed that this zombie just won’t die

Crash

My hands are frozen

Trying to string together two words, has never been as frigid as this

Something is amiss

My body feels like it been spoiled in piss

Like I’m a willing partner in an S&M flick

This is bullshit that I have to feel this way

This is bullshit that she always does this to me

I thought the flame was smothered

The embers lay emboldened

Emblazoned and brazen waiting for a spark

What it got was a match

Though a time bomb it was not

Every word still hurt

Every work unspoken leaves our relation tattered and broken

And frayed and dismayed in ways repairs could take days

Weeks, months, years this continues

I think I’m going to need the wine menu

‘Cause this ain’t it

It’s not getting it

It’s not working

I’m hungry for a revolution

A resolution a grievances

‘Cause my resolve is waning

And my endurance is tanking

And I got to deal

With this raw deal I’ve been dealt

I can’t keep waiting for the for the googolplex clock to stop

I can’t keep wait for the second ball to drop

Rapture.

Why would such a woman exist?

Why would such a merciful god place blame and curse for blasphemies not yet relieved from my skin?

I do not believe that such a man would create such a woman

I do not believe that a man would set a series of situations solely meant to siphon the sensibility that he has so sanctimoniously sanctioned upon thee

I know that I am right; even if I am wrong I am right

There is no man above sightseeing in the clouds

Crying tear to create floods

Clapping jovially to move mountains

Striking in anger at what his own hands have created

I do not know…

Better yet I don’t want…

I need to know why such a woman would breathe

Why such a woman would have the ovarian fortitude as to impose such regulations that regular people can not see through the red tape

Why won’t she let me in?

How the did the imaginary man?

Where did this journey begin?

Where did I lose her?

Who cut the cables?

Why are we not able to see past the prior inquisitions to see to a less tumultuous future.

To see to a movement,

Cooperation

Restitution

The imaginary man gave us lips to speak but we not use them but for treachery

He gave us hearts but not to use them, rather keep them empty to filter the fantasies and poison seeds

Rival memories of black books

Murderous penguins

Lifeless angels.

I can say that I hope for the best but that would be a lie

It’s not right for the night imaginary inflammatory impostor to take credit for the beginning of this being if he not willing to take the solder of his own smoldering brimstone.

On How It Is

I spend most of my time wishing she would speak to me, and the remainder of the time wishing she hadn’t and gluing back together the piece broken by what she has said.

Regardless of this immeasurable pain shot from the finger blade of my ironic angel I can’t help but be relieved by her presence.

Shallow and transparent ever present villainy permeates and eventually will permanently perverse my prominent personality, rhyme and reason.

Who will I be then? How much time will I spend? How much more glue is there to mend. How many more truths, this is truth No.2

I don’t have the words to say No.1. I don’t want to tell you, even though I know you want to know.

It seems that this is good for me, or so these eclipsing chariots scream so. At least these walls want to keep me safe and warm… I’m not so certain about sane.

The FRIGGIN' AMAZING SKY

Lately I have been noticing how amazingly brilliant and epic the sky has been lately, so of course I caught the sights on digits... by the way all my shots are digital so obviously these sights are not on film, lol. Enjoy!