I can't even begin to resolve how hurt I am by this.

Why are people so evil?

Conservatives are retards...

Another night.

So it is the middle of the night again and I am up so very up. It is 5am and I am so bored. I have resorted to watching home movies. Which is actually not so bad but it holds a peculiar feeling to wax reminiscent of this that has only passed like 8 months ago as I have only had my camera for about that long. I'm remembering things that I had so forgotten. I guess it's good to see things in full color video, well in my case most things are in black and white that I shoot. One day when I'm like 40 and me and my remaining friends will sit down and watch these videos and laugh. We could probably do that now. This one I'm watching now if from when I moved back home from school for the summer in April. It is this loooooong video recording a conversation I had with a bunch of my friends in the moving van I rented. It's like 30 min of random pointless conversation, but looking back at it it seems to be of more importance. Do you feel like that sometimes, looking back? That things are much more significance once time has passed. I wonder why it becomes easier be fond over things that aren't here anymore. Why does time erode our normal jaded sensibilities and makes all dough eyed over waves of light that represent the thing that me actually miss. I'm not sure which cliche goes best with this sensational phenomenon; "hindsight is 50/50", "time always makes the heart grow fonder", "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" (Thank you Joni Mitchel and later Janet Jackson and even later The Counting Crows featuring Vanessa Carlton). Either way they always seem to fit somewhere. Guess all those adages seem to make sense in, ehm... hindsight.

Crash

My hands are frozen

Trying to string together two words, has never been as frigid as this

Something is amiss

My body feels like it been spoiled in piss

Like I’m a willing partner in an S&M flick

This is bullshit that I have to feel this way

This is bullshit that she always does this to me

I thought the flame was smothered

The embers lay emboldened

Emblazoned and brazen waiting for a spark

What it got was a match

Though a time bomb it was not

Every word still hurt

Every work unspoken leaves our relation tattered and broken

And frayed and dismayed in ways repairs could take days

Weeks, months, years this continues

I think I’m going to need the wine menu

‘Cause this ain’t it

It’s not getting it

It’s not working

I’m hungry for a revolution

A resolution a grievances

‘Cause my resolve is waning

And my endurance is tanking

And I got to deal

With this raw deal I’ve been dealt

I can’t keep waiting for the for the googolplex clock to stop

I can’t keep wait for the second ball to drop

A Loosing Game

Each drop of sweat seeping from my pores is loosening my grip

I am loosing control

In truth I am falling

I am falling back into the hole that I just climbed out of

I am falling back into the criminal abyss

The handle bar to which I grasp is rusted

My emotional void is fading to black

This bedroom is my asylum

I do not want to leave

I awake to sunrise begging for it to set

In truth I am ready, I am ready to let go

Untitled #4

4am and she calls me

With questions of life

Asking me

Cause she thinks my answers are right

What is that I want?

Like Mr. magic 8

Sweetie

I’m just as blind as you are

19 yrs ain’t enough to know whats right

The future in hypotheticals

The current in disillusioned carpe diem

The past just calcified stone to decorate the yard

Confused and dazed

Knowing with out knowing

She knows

Guided by a blind Seeing Eye dog

It’ll lead you to its tail

Question Cleo

Fire and lies

And what do you have…

A burnt tail.