Things Change... I Hate Change.

So after last night's post I spent the next few hours crying and blubbering like a baby. It's not the greatest moment of my life I must say. But after a gallon of metaphorical ice cream and a few hour of Soul Cal 4 I was feeling better, secure with a new realization and understanding.

As of late Lids and Justin have been getting closer than their normal tiddly winks. It seems like they are on that weird verge of dating and not. As such they are spending exceeding amounts together, spending the night together and such. I noticed a while ago where things where going but chose to stay out of it as clearly it's none of my business. But I am now realizing that this whole episode has kinda been exasperated by it.

When I normally have a mental meltdown, which I am prone to, I have a friend or friends to turn to. This time the meltdown was with one of the two friends, and said friend is getting cozy with other friend leaving me to melt down alone. Festering, or rather basting in one owns juices generally lends itself to tender, flaky, fall off the meat. In humans it leads to similar things just mentally, for me anyways. Let's say I would be Sirloin severed with Au Ju and a nutty cream sauce.

This is a weird place I'm in. On one hand I happy to see them FINALLY getting together. On the other hand however I know that if they do become a thing, I will get left behind. I talked to Justin a little bit about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from. So for now, I'm still alone. At least I'm finally convinced that Justin is not trying to hurt me or be purposefully hurtful, so that's helpful. I just don't know if I am still too hopeful.

It Shouldn't Be This Hard.

Justin is a interesting case study. He is so devastatingly underexposed to social situations and therefore lacks much of the social conditioning many of us get from simple things like Barney and Sesame Street. I have never actually met anyone before who was completely confused by the idea of needing to say please and thank you. Truthfully though, putting all missed customs aside, he is a guy who has missed out on so much that he really needed to experience; and guess who is left picking up the pieces...

Right now Justin and I are on the outs, having spent the majority of the past few days entangled within one long fight. The base of the fight comes down to a few simple things:

I am feeling under appreciated for all the I do.
I am tired of talking to him about his same unwillingness to help around the house.
He does not display the basic ability to be a good friend.

These things are a little major, I think. I do a lot for Justin, just like I do for all of my friends. I do these things without the expectation of reciprocation, but I do look for some sort of gratitude; which he does not show me. I often let it slide though, mainly because I assume that as long as he is not being greedy or selfish that he is grateful for my helping him. I ask him to do simple things around the house like clean the bathroom or was the dishes. It is not like I ask for that much, but he can not seem to...

I just want to cry. I don't think that rehashing this situation again is helping me at all. I am on the verge of tears for the fourth time in five days, things shouldn't be this hard.

I am just scared because I know that if things continue like this I will leave this situation and our friendship behind. I just don't know right now how things will turn out. The uncertainty is really scaring me more than anything. For once I am clueless helpless and at once alone without the safety nets that I know I need to help catch me when I fall.

An Ode to the Newly Homeless

Fires of quick quips choirs of heavenly horrors clenching clouded cowering minds drowned in drips of syrup soaked sensibilities waned warbled wash fired bold emblazoned Maltese men molting Siamese sinister kittens shedding skins day old bread withheld assistance the pride has shattered crowns held by new jesters in jest juxtapositioning failed bits of cooperative Mrs. conceptions contraceptives hastened communal Mr. communications irritating the empty stomachs of well fed entitlement unchecked dishes sour soaked dimes lift unremitting required reciprocal dots and dashes left unpaid wilting weathered torrential turbulence uninvited viral wants quoth unwelcome.

Anisha

Justin

Paintings pt2

Paintings!

At the end of winter term I started painting and I just realized that I had not posted them, yikes! Well here they are enjoy.

Summer

So right now I am off of school for the summer... clearly as I am finally updating my thought forgotten blog, lol. Well, summer is the time for lazing about and as I am not prone to enjoy extended terms of doing so, as usual I am falling into a funk. And I don't mean Parlament Funkadelic type of funk... but rather the type that makes me get all depressed. SO what I need to do is find a way to re-purpose myself.
As it stands I have no job, classes or plans. I have been trying to catch up on some books but so far the books I've chosen have been less page turner and more turn over and go to sleep. I'm gonna take a trip to my local library and talk to a librarian about some interesting books for me to read. But what I really want to do is photograph stuff but I am not sure what. I mean nature is all around as I live in Ypsi/A2 but I don't know where... Clearly I need to do some investigations into where I can find a lake, or stroll through the woods somewhere. Now that I write that i realize one fatal flaw in that plan. I HATE THE OUT DOORS!!! Shit! Now what am I to do with my creative energies?
Maybe I should start doing my people portraiture again. That's not actually a bad idea. I think That just having somethings to edit and organize would be good for me plus I am sure I am a bit rusty in terms of my lighting and picture taking techniques. Writing this I am sitting outside my new apartment that I share with one of my new best friends, and I am looking around at how pretty everything is. I am sure that a combination of the the warm mellow ambient lighting and the simple fact that I've now got my wheels turning means that something good should be spilling out of my head very soon.
I feel much better now after talking to you. Thanks for you willing ear.

Sill

200 Words of Opposition

You where my eyes fixed point center of gravity orbiting and swirling down the vacuous drain to places he would drag you away from me slowly running away walking backwards tripping forwards and steady farther away closer but never closer closure nuance and ineptitude narrowly negotiation newly sour section of dowry and damnations defending the circular serendipitous nature sensibly guided forward steadily backward rag dolls toads and frogs rabbits and hares heads or tail without chance change challenge or chapters fade mixed marital law logs loved layered and lowered one here two now three here four gone here sad gone long mourning this morning eve of evening dining with dingy dives cannons and capitols of coercion ending all stock and dystopian utopian pairs of solidarity and despair dispelling procreations problem creations motivations mulling nations moving more over the delicate suspensions suspend supposedly in memoriam never minding the offending natural movements of the shadowy figures moving forward the peaces disturbing the pieces in places their arms dare only reach randomly to destroy decimate and decapitate the fluid stagnancy unaltered aborted as times where before the hiccup stickup power play nay say now and never ever forever and always today’s forgotten lore.

Never Coming Home

Driving away she tries to
To figure out how
A passion so sweet
Could go so sour

They yelled they screamed
Fighting each other
As if more pain would solve their puzzle

With one hit she was gone
On the ground
She hit the road
Alone
In the cold dead of night
She sat there and died in the heat of their fight

The clock upon the table kept stealing every minute
She knew her time was trickling
Like the water in a shower

As she turned to walk
Unlock the door
And find her way
To something more
She kissed the man goodbye
And quickly pulled away
And turned a corner

Driving further on some more
She realized where she lost her soul
Thought about that messy space
Thought about how she lost this race
She new she wasn’t thinking straight
She new when he’d be waking late
He’d know that he lost this one summer

In his eyes she’s only a few inches away
But in her heart of hearts she knew she couldn’t stay
To many of his lies unraveled there today
So she told him to his face
All she had to say
‘Cause she knew she’d never be coming home

M.O.H.A.W.K.

Mirrors Of independence Have finally occurred And i couldn’t be more happy about What i’ve done. i feel like a Knight of the Many, On a search for self. what that means? i don’t know, but i Have A feeling that it Will turn out to be something amazing… i Know it will.

Goldegate Bridge

I’m up so high
What’s keeping me from falling?
Sanity, no
Nothing, probably

All the world looks at me like a play set
Hot wheels, no
Matchbox, probably

I could end it
Couldn’t I?
Yes definitely

Xeric

The melodies invade my psyche, trying to psyche me out of my pseudo ascension; assigning me to resign as head of this mind of mine, ruining the moment. This is how you wanted it. Rather I worshiped your phallic monument than giving me anything… evening brought his ending.

New Portraits

I told the truth today...

Misty: hey
Jerome: hey
Misty: Why didn't you hang with Elayna today?
Jerome: I have work to do
Misty: You were isolated
oh.
ha ha
I asked her to talk to Ieuan for me...
Jerome: im still working just taking a break
oh ok
Misty: and she was telling him that I like him soooooooo much.
Jerome: to tell him what?
Misty: WTF
No just to see if he liked me
Jerome: oh, y didnt u ask?
Misty: cuz I didn't have the balls to get my feelings hurt
Jerome: lol, so howd it turn out
Misty: bad.
3:10amJerome: too bad
3:10amMisty: He doesn't like me
3:10amJerome: whatd he say
3:10amMisty: she says
3:10amJerome: oh ok
well, sorry
3:10amMisty: that it was a mistakes
yeah yeah
I should go lez
3:11amJerome: lol, i doubt u could
3:11amMisty: maybe not. But the only people to think I'm attractive are gay men and females
3:11amJerome:eh, what can u do?
Im single now too
so no worries
3:12amMisty: yeah but you okay with it
3:12amJerome: ...not really
I am not used to not having people hit on me
it's a new phenomenom
3:13amMisty

gr
3:13amJerome

gr?
3:14amMisty

I'm kinna pissed but I expected this
3:15amJerome

well you seem to have good instincts so why dont u follow them?
3:16amMisty

cuz I'm not a cold person...yet
3:16amJerome

well thats good
3:17amMisty

Some just give up because they fail

I guess I'm not like that
3:17amJerome

thats good
3:17amMisty

which can be a strength or weakness
3:17amJerome

youre too young for my kind of cynascism
3:17amMisty

But I wanna be cold like you!!
3:17amJerome

it's not all it's cracked up to be

like when you say youre fst, but then elayna would kill to look like you

be grateul for what you have

my world is kinda lonely sometimes

fat*
3:19amMisty

But you don't seem to care!

That's the beauty
3:19amJerome

I do care...
3:20amMisty

er...
3:20amJerome

trust me when I say this

Stay hopeul as long as you can, I gave up my emotions years ago and I am better in many ways, but I would die to understand the emotions that I used to have again
3:22amMisty

What? Pain and having your feelings hurt all the time?

No way
3:22amJerome

yes
3:22amMisty

Emotions are a waste
3:22amJerome

emotions let you know youre alive
3:23amMisty

sooo?
3:24amJerome

whats the point in living if you cant feel alive
3:24amMisty

You won't have to cry or feel that yucky feeling in your chest...

or that pain when you;re trying to hild back tears
3:24amJerome

I cry everyday

I stare at the ceiling and cry for no reason

I blast my music so loud, so I dont have to hear myself thing

So I dont have to wake up and realize that my life is just a broadway show with great musical numbers that no one understands
3:26amMisty

not true
3:26amJerome

trust me, I have never been more honest in my life

It hurts to be so honest

I mean physically, my head is pounding
3:27amMisty

I'm sorry..
3:27amJerome

THis happens whenever I try to understand or deal with what I cant understand

Dont feel sorry for me, but dont envy me either
3:28amMisty

I didn't mean to bring up something so deep
3:29amJerome

not youre fault I can always stop, or not start

I was the one. Yes, I was the one... Keyword is was, yes I was the one...

I wish YOU would not fall in love with every man who shows interest in you, it's pathetic. I am so tired of mending wounds that I tried to prevent in the first place.

Who Knew (A Poem)

I think it's strange that I can still relive everything about you
That at a moments notice I can be whisped away to memories of days when you still held me
When I could have never believed that in a few years you would go away

Who knew that you would disappear
Who knew I would watch as you slowly drove away for the last time

Sometimes when I am alone, I still mourn
For us, for me, for you
For what we could have been
For who I could have been with you
For what you have become without me

It is during those times that what separates us seems trivial
But I always get lost in pursuit
Of the one that got away
The only one I will ever want to have stayed

Verdict: Innocent

I have decided to trust my rusty moral compass. Let the bodies fall where they may, I will leave them where they lay.

"L 'Via
Daughter Miranda
Your surname was changed

L 'Via
Without Eyes, I want to give
A story without my mother
I just want to tell you
The pain of night says
Only staying clothing
You wash the blood

L 'Via
Do not forget to relax
On the street you walk
Who you going to pursue

L 'Via
You want to kill
Machete teeth
Cabezas de gallo

L 'Via
Sleep in peace
Open your eyes
Everything will change

L 'Via

Dreamed of revenge
And I swear to you
We are going to pay
Blackmailed, she fell off every mountain
The ones they tightly wrapped in tape
In her eraser sang the guilty
As it made the best mistakes
And with every body that I find
And with every claymore that they mine
I will not forget who I'm looking for
Oh mother help me I'm looking for"

- The Mars Volta
L'Via L'Vasquez