Photography (Canon EOS Rebel XS Kit Lens)

Photography (NEW CAMERA Canon EOS Rebel XS Kit Lens)

Paintings (Acrylic on Canvas)

Paintings (Acrylic on Paper)

Paintings (Acrylic on Paper)

Paintings (Acrylic on Paper)

Last One... for now!!! lol

Penultimate Digital Stuff Post

Even More Digital Stuff

Photography (Canon EOS Rebel XS Kit Lens)

More Digital Stuff

Digital Art

Isn't it cool what you can create in MSPaint? Anywho I've got a bunch more of this as well as some more paintings, and some sketches I've been doing lately. And don't worry they don't suck like most of the last ones.

Finding a home at the end of the world.

I have been home just over a week and things have been varied in was to my excitement and detriment. I have been bored beyond belief, basically living day to day between events. I have been enlightened to things within myself that I was only slightly aware of, several open and honest conversations have led to a calmer sense of self and for now I feel more calmer and more serene than I have in years. Now I am experiencing a severe case of anticipation, the new semester is so close I can smell the boredom and stale classrooms to come and yet nine days until its commencement I feel as if an eternity has slipped itself between the then and the now. Even the next set of events though only two days away seem closer to a fortnight in distance instead of forty-eight hours. That is how it seems and not the actuality of the situation but I can't help but feel it. Tonight at this 5:30 am intersection I feel more alone than I ever have before, but it's ok. Things are ok. I'm ok. Everything will be ok.

Intimacy

To be honest intimacy is not something I think about in my working relationships. All of my romantic entanglements have ended before I got to that point of openness. My friendships have been more successful, but even then there is always a fence between me and anyone else. It is difficult for me to imagine a relationship, rather a human relationship with true intimacy. I know me sharing all my secrets with my favorite feline or age inappropriate Harry Potter journal does not necessarily count as neither can reciprocate. Having to identify any relationship as one where I engaged in the on going process where I and another caring person shared as freely as possible is near impossible. I can only think of two instances where I was close to real intimacy and only one where both parties participated.
My friendship with Ari started back in high school; We acted in our school's first drama club production together. Working on a drama production brings people close naturally but working on one in our newly renovated and still frighteningly coffin like theater made everyone stick together. Our friendship sprouted innocuously and unbeknown to either party, however soon we had become "BFFs" as we often recall jokingly.
As teenagers do, we shared things with each other. In the beginning they where small gossips, snarky thoughts and other trivialities. As time past our relationship strengthened and I began trust that my secrets where safe with her, so much so that when something of importance happened I knew that I could entrust her with my deeper and truer emotions.
Like most teenagers I had the "worst mom ever" who "never let me do anything" and "still treats me like a little kid". Like most teenagers these typical statements and behavior where indicative of other, more emotional, needs that where not being met. One day after a particularly vicious fight with my mother I went to visit Ari just get my mind off my current situation. Instead I spent the next few hours emotionally vomiting years of pent up emotions. For hours she sat listening intently and held my hand as I wept and used all the tissues in her house to wipe my seemingly endless stream of mucous from my nose. Kept thinking the entire time that I must seem crazy and that should stop embarrassing myself, but there was something that told me to continue.
At the end of "snotapaloooza" I still felt like this would make her not want be my friend and that she was going to laugh at me. All she said was "Do you feel better?"; I did feel better and I felt safe and secure and able to tell her anything without fear of judgment, exclusion or isolation. At the time I knew and I still recognize this as the moment in which we became true friends.
As of now, we have been friends for six years. Over those years I have cried on her shoulder several more times and she has used my shoulders to help her bare her own emotional burdens.
We have shared more than just the bad times. We have sat many late nights on the phone or on the couch over ice cream sharing stories, thought, hope, fears, dreams, aspiration, affirmations, advice, recipes and anything else that popped into our heads. I do cherish her friendship, rather companionship and recognize that our level of intimacy has allowed us to stay so close with each other.
Now that I have spilled all that in your lap you probably think you know me. However you would shocked to know that it was easier than you think. I don't know if I could count this relationship as a intimate one. As I said my journal entries don't count and though a sophisticated personal computer is a more age appropriate that my Harry Potter diary the effect is still the same.

Really Quick Update

School started last week... Things are going good thus far. Got a car love it, ZuneHD love it, new TV loves it!

Oxford Murders (2008)

I definitely recommend this movie. It is so good. Not about give a review but I do recommend it. It is suprisingly good for a independent film. Well let's not use the qualifier "for a independent film", it is a good movie.

In the meantime...

So since everything happened I have been occupying my time with things and stuff. Mainly reorganizing my music collection but also redecorating my apt. My bathroom has been done for a while and it looks pretty similar to what it was before but now it has new rugs and accessories. But my bed room was just fugs. So now it's major smexi! Take a look.

House, not a Home

Justin moved out a week ago. To be honest I've been a bit of a wreck about the whole thing. I spent the first two days sad. The next two where spent plastered. The next two hungry. For the past two days I have been enlightened if not slightly enraged. Right now I'm at my mom's house for a spell until I can safely return home without want to rip my hair out. The trip hasn't panned out like I thought it would though and right now I'm starring at the train schedule deciding if I should make a
break for it. This is all fucked up right now. I just can't wait for this to be over. I mean, has this wave of unfortunate events not yet reached it's crescendo ("ending on the right foot, and strike a fosse")? Major point if you know where that reference is from. We soon shall see. Oh one last thing... do you think this spandex makes me look fat?

This is a test of this fucking system.
JS Nichols

Things Change... I Hate Change.

So after last night's post I spent the next few hours crying and blubbering like a baby. It's not the greatest moment of my life I must say. But after a gallon of metaphorical ice cream and a few hour of Soul Cal 4 I was feeling better, secure with a new realization and understanding.

As of late Lids and Justin have been getting closer than their normal tiddly winks. It seems like they are on that weird verge of dating and not. As such they are spending exceeding amounts together, spending the night together and such. I noticed a while ago where things where going but chose to stay out of it as clearly it's none of my business. But I am now realizing that this whole episode has kinda been exasperated by it.

When I normally have a mental meltdown, which I am prone to, I have a friend or friends to turn to. This time the meltdown was with one of the two friends, and said friend is getting cozy with other friend leaving me to melt down alone. Festering, or rather basting in one owns juices generally lends itself to tender, flaky, fall off the meat. In humans it leads to similar things just mentally, for me anyways. Let's say I would be Sirloin severed with Au Ju and a nutty cream sauce.

This is a weird place I'm in. On one hand I happy to see them FINALLY getting together. On the other hand however I know that if they do become a thing, I will get left behind. I talked to Justin a little bit about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from. So for now, I'm still alone. At least I'm finally convinced that Justin is not trying to hurt me or be purposefully hurtful, so that's helpful. I just don't know if I am still too hopeful.