Dr. Kill-Joy (Why Won’t You Help Me)

If you hold in your hands everything I need why do you refuse to help me? Why do you dangle the cure a half an inch beyond my reach. Why would you put me under a magnifying glass in the hottest July sun? How dare you be so cruel? Do you not remember all that I have done for you? Had me thinking I was one of you, should have seen straight through that lie. I don’t understand how you could look me in the eyes see me cry and still leave me to die. How could you so badly lack a conscience, when I don’t and we are on the same wave of consciousness? I somehow feel connected to the visitors of Hotel Rwanda. I am obviously sick why, so why, why won’t you help me.

Comprehension

I spend hours exploring the plethora of emotions that encrypt the words from my mouth, and yet with this quill I can find myself in piece. And I can find peace in places where I can’t even think.

Why is it that I can tell the world everything that I haven't admitted to myself?

Why is it that with a lie of my hand on pad my non-coherent conscience suddenly comprehends the complexity of the human cohabitant condition?

Why do I write this?

Why is it that as I write this my mind enters nirvana and I reach a level calm Ghandi would gawk at?

Why is this?

Intentions

I never meant for her to go

But frankly I’m glad she did

I’m glad she’s dead

I’m glad that she got hers

I never meant for her to die

But things tend to happen that way

I never meant to laugh

But I was truly rejoicing

Her demise meant tyranny’s end

The heartless bitch is gone

Ding dong

Ding dong

Ding dong

Ding dong

Ding dong

CNN

We live our lives pumped with fear

Constantly haunted

Constantly troubled

Death

Constant intrusions

Our minds are constantly intruded

John Doe is a black male

Six foot one

One hundred sixty five pounds

About twenty years of age

Suspect is armed and dangerous

The unknown face of fear

Brings constant certain uncertainty

Terrorism

Assassination

Y2K

“Imminent danger”

Your own children are murderers

Fear all fear everything

You don’t know

Fear it all

Fear yourselves

Cause it makes me happy

Well it makes my pockets happy

The more horrified you are of some invisible danger

The more you spend in my stores

The more you spend in my stores

The more I make

The poorer you become

And when you have nothing left to spend

I’m gonna take away everything

And leave you with nothing

Except fear

Abandoned Homes

This house is in southwest Detroit. At the time when I took these shots it had been burned to the ground. Every bit of wood was charred and black, everything else was twisted and mangled and melted. I could tell that the fire was recent because the smell was still strong wafting through the air. Through the lens it was beautiful but There is more in the history of this house.

Abadoned Factory 2

Abadoned Factory 1

Self Portraits

MiniVacay

So here's the thing, I haven't left the house in five days so obviously I have nothing to show you. I have a few thing going on this weekend and I will overload you when I get all that in and processed... Latta

Fotos of a random Nature

Black Heart

Where

Are

YOU!?

You let me

And now I feel

Like a scat queen

And now your halo shines bright

And now I’m shadowed by your light

And now you liar have become my sire?

Who

Are

You!?

You seduced me

And now I feel

Like a scat queen

And now you’re gold

And every once of my being is scarlet and cold

And every lie you tell encases you in own

Personal

Prison Cell

Is it lonely on your pedestal?

Are you and your deeds happy to see?

Justice

Finally

In fruition

Bad Day

I woke up this morning hating the world

Frowning at a smile

Punching at a hug

Kicking the day flat on its ass

Wrestling happiness into submission

Killing all who threatened my paradise lost

An Act of Desperation (Reprise)

I’m stranded out here

My home is nowhere near

It never does rain when you ask it to

I wish I didn’t have to call you

But you’re the only one I have to turn to

My sister told me you got your self a job

My mother said you’ve got a new house

I understand you have somebody

Keeping your company

I guess your doing good for yourself

When it was all over

When the silence fell

I realized how badly my plans had failed

It never does rain when you ask it to

I thought I was better than you

But you sure showed me

Little Tony told me to say “hi” to you

There’s nothing I can say

That can change the way

I hurt you

The only truths

Where lies in whisper

It tore me apart

It never did rain when I asked it to

An Act of Desperation

If I could change

My point of opinion

Would we get along

Would there finally be

An end to this feud

Can there ever be a solution

Because we need a resolution

If I could tell you

Everything you want to hear

And have it he true

Would you

Could you

Get that chip off your shoulder

Can there ever be a solution

Because we need a resolution

A Statement Pleading for Serenity

Pulling my hair from root

Trying to find the root

Of my behaviors

Attention grabbing in their splendor

Trying to get some recognition

Of my existence

Trying to get an explanation

As to why

Trying to get a moment

Of your time

Trying to explain to myself

Why no one cares that I exist

Birthday’s come without a call

But wait…

Wasn’t it only I who helped you from your fall

Tradition decimated

Only hope left

Hope that which each passing day

Sings “Happy trails to you, goodbye my friend”

Their optimism sickens me

My trails have never been happy

My trails never will be happy

This line of life stretches into infinity

Infinite wisdom

Infinite pain

If life’s a bitch

Infinity is the Queen Bee

Whose poison I ingest

Like a sweet nectar of life

Tearing me apart

A puzzle never to be finished

Because I’m missing a piece

Of you, which I need to succeed

Giving me the motivation

To stay on track

To straighten up and fly right

The drive to get me from point “A” to the finish line

Even though I whine

Trying to peel your eyes from the screen

There is no need to do me like a two dollar hoe

On my way out the door

I want to be recognized as

The man in your life

The love your world centers around

The part of your heart that is not jaded and cold

Love me…

Please…

I’m begging you…

Love me…

Pay attention to me…

Please…

Please love me…

A Statement of Finding Oneself

At some point in life we as maturing humans decide who we want to be, the image we want to portray. At age 1 I decided I wanted to be anything but ordinary and since then it has been an up hill battle within my self to figure out what that meant to me and also how to display that on my person. Now at 17 I am finally beginning to see that person immerge. The immergence of this person is simply no more than inexplicable sudden loses of inhibitions during which I change something physical about myself. As of now I have changed my hair, got new clothes, taught myself a new way to talk and found a new way to think. This new person is fundamentally different from who I was in yester year. He is actually really cool. He is confident and secure with himself; he knows what he wants and is ambitious enough to go for it no matter what the cost. For right now I am content within this stage of my transformation, but you never know if tomorrow it that may change.

A Statement from a Simple Man Who Doesn’t Know What He Wants

I want to kill someone so badly

I want to die

I want to cry

I want to feel

I want to go away

I want you to go away from me

I want to feel

I want to want

I want to feel the need to drop to my knees and plead for your forgiveness

I want to feel

I want you to go away from me

I want you to make me feel good

I want you to make me feel bad

I want you to make me more than this

I want more than this

I want not to want this

I want to not want you

A Recollection of Passion

I lay serene in the silk of rest, painting vision of perfection with my eyes closed and body still. I showed what I had created to Nocturne and dared it to find one of such a magnitude. Nocturne accepted my dare of perfection and delivered him in a brown paper parcel to my heart. Eagerly I stared at it thinking of what it would contain. Would it match of what I had described or would he like all the others fall in a burst of failed luster.

A Fly On The Wall

I feel the fire in the air

The fury and the fight

I smell the demon on his tounge

It lubricates the item, for which he’s bought and paid

I feel the caution in the company of the other; it’s obvious in his touch

In the alcoholic haze his reasoning has been withered

But even in inebriation he remembers what she did.

He remembers the hurt he felt

He remembers how after 12 years he found out; he fell in love with a whore.

He revels in the memory of the whore’s fist pounding at the door

He’s aggrieved as he bethinks the splashing of his tears on the cold cherry wood floor

In this moment the hurt he feels can only be mend by the touch of a stranger

Or so he thinks

As he begins to use what he’s bought, he feels his eyes begin to water

He knows this isn’t revenge, he knows this isn’t right

He pulls put

500 dollars walks out

And there he is on the floor, feeling discarded and used

Realizing sanity has slipped his grasp

Thinking of how the whore lay snug, and smug in bed.

The sweat from his pores pours cold

Erasing dreams of the two growing old

He listens to the lies the walls speak

The passion the sheets sing

The promises his heart wrote with his lips in front of 97 witnesses

It seems irrelevant as he watches the fire rise up the walls

The smoke fills his lungs and the fire loosed his soul

The whore watches as her last chance goes up in smoke

Knowing redemption has slipped from her grasp

A4A

It occurs to me as I cruise this website and raise this tumbler to my lips that this just isn’t right. Not “right” in the since that I should have gone left, not that this answer is incorrect but rather that this just isn’t right.